Yep, it's been a *long* time since I wrote fics for the X-Men... was in a deep blue funk after the infamous UXM#350. Trying to be hopeful that this year I can get my muse centred to finish that X-Men/Sandman piece that's been languishing. (Sorry.)

Continuity? Please time warp back to the X-Men of early '97. This universe splits with canon somewhere after Onslaught. It's been a long time since I read the main books, so I'm only hoping that the characterisation is consistent with that time.

Best Regards,
firewolf
March 2000

A persistent beeping in the background intruded into Gambit's dreams. <Merde, how can a body sleep with all dat racket? > He yawned and stretched, extending his claws and tail out to his fullest leng-- Claws? Tail?

Remy opened his eyes to blink at the black paws in front of him. As his sleep numbed mind started to wake up, he slowly became aware of the warm body beneath him with the comforting and steady heart beat.

<Merde!>

The black cat with red on black eyes leaped to its feet and stared down at the human body beneath it... Remy's human body, which was currently hooked up to various medical equipment that measured his heart beat, breathing and other essential functions.

<Non. Non! NON! This can't be happening again?!>

The door to the med-lab slid open as Scott Summers entered carrying a small dish of cat food.

"Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, breakfast. Remy had better be grateful for--"

The lithe black cat launched itself off the body to land on Scott's chest, pushing the X-Man backwards with the unexpected assault. By whatever token of chance, Scott managed to retain his hold on the dish of food, even as he was sent reeling back against the wall.

#Scott! What de hell happened dis time?!#

"R-Re-Remy?" Scott sneezed into the cat's face, making it leap back onto the table.

#Yuck. What was dat for?# Remy started to clean his face.

"Your whiskers tickled me." Scott rubbed his nose with his free hand. "But--but what--you--we just talked yesterday--when--how--what--?"

Remy stared from his body to Scott and back again, his tail flickering. #Never mind how, where's Jean, or Betsy?#

"Er ..."

#What?#

"We're the only two X-Men in residence this week, remember?"

Remy paced the length of the communications room, his long black tail flicking back and forth behind him.

#Okay, de last time de X-Men fought de N'gari, we brought back a couple o' eggs by accident. I remember dat. De eggs hatched, we fought de baby bugs, an' we trashed de mansion. Again! Dat tell Gambitdat de X-Men should have a construction crew on permanent retainer. Why didn' we ever sign dat agreement wit' Damage Control‡, Scottie?#

"Wolverine wouldn't let us--something about a pie... Remy, will you stop pacing? I'm getting this link up as fast as I can." Scott turned away from his wiring of the Communications console to yell at the cat "I know you're upset, bu-"

#Gambit's a cat! Again! Why? Why does dis happen t' me? What is dis? De forth time? What did I do t' deserve dis?#

Scott shrugged before he went back to his rewiring.

#Where was I? Oh yah. In de fight, Gambit got hurt, an' he got t' stay in de infirmary f' a week, or Henri promised t' tie him t' de bed f' dat week if he try t' drag his carcass back t' his room. Since his lab was trashed, an' he was so sure of a breakthrough, Henri an' Jean are at Muir Island t' talk t' Moria about de Legacy virus. Stormy be wantin' t' check on Kitty and her new paramour, so she with dem. Betsy wanted t' visit her brother, an' where Betsy go Warren also follows, so dey all in England too.

#Joseph started t' remember dat he a grandpappy cause his son has a daughter, so he go t' visit X-Factor. Wolverine and Rogue with him f' moral support, an' t' stop any trouble. Bobby's on home leave t' see his dad. Bishop and Sam took off for some time off, and t' visit de professor in lock-up. So Henri left y' de responsibility t' watch de automated repair systems, make sure Gambit stays in bed, and take care o' his cat. And dis morning, Gambit wake up as his cat. Why?!#

"Thank you for the narration, oh amusing TMBC. This sounds like one of those cartoon synopsis before the show starts..." Scott muttered under his breath. "Remy, can't you transfer your mind back into your own body?"

#Gambit don't know how! If Gambit c'ld transfer his mind back, y' t'ink Gambit still be here? Y' t'ink it so easy f' Jeannie and Betsy t' teach anyone everything 'bout telepathy in two months? Telepathy 101 don't got anything on mind hopping!#

"Sorry."

#Y' got de link up yet, mon ami?#

"Stop bugging me. I'm working as fast as I can. And Remy?"

#Yeah?#

"IF YOU DON'T STOP PACING, I'M GONNA LOCK YOU IN YOUR CAT CARRIER!"

Summarily, Scott finally fixed the teleconferencing relays and called his wife while the black cat watched him anxiously.

"Hold ya horses, Summers. I called ya wife." Pete Wisdom frowned down on him, the Englishman looking none too happy to be seated at the Muir Island console. Nothing interesting ever happened, and he was sure the systems could monitor themselves, but it was his turn to be on duty.

Jean and Moria eventually entered the room. "Hi, Hon? The teleconferencing relays are up fast. Did you decide to speed up the repairs?"

"You could say that. How's everything coming along at Muir?"

"Slow. Hank's not in the best of spirits at the moment." Jean glanced at Moria, who smiled resignedly at her.

"Ooch, and we thought it was so close. Henri's right miserable noo."

"Sorry to hear that. Er--Jean, when can you come back?"

"Next week-"

#NEXT WEEK?!!#

Jean didn't know what to say when she saw her husband nearly land face first into the controls as a lithe black cat leaped on his head.

#Scott, y' tell your wife we need her now!# Remy balanced delicately on Scott's head by hooking his back paws on the back of his ruby quartz visor, while resting his front paws on Scott's mop of brown hair.

Pete and Moria stayed quiet, though Pete was starting to crack a grin at the humorous scene. Boring monitor duty be damned, he was suddenly glad he was on duty at that moment.

"Er--Scott? Why is Remy's cat...?" Jean's words trailed off as understanding dawned on her.

"Geerrooff my head! Ugh!" Scott simultaneously tried to prevent his visor from slipping and pull the cat off.

"Scott?" Jean's hand covered her eyes as Moria and Pete turned to stare at her. "Please tell me Remy's mind *isn't* in his cat again."

"Okay, 'Remy's mind isn't--' Ooow! Leggo! Leggo!"

The Muir Island audience choked back a laugh at the sight of the black cat biting and pulling at the harried X-Man's hair.

"Hell of a time to have a sense of humor, husband mine. Stop teasing Gambit."

"Me? Teasing Gambit? *He's* the one sitting on my head and pulling my hair!"

"Well at least he hasn't scratched you." Jean rolled her eyes, "Remy, we can't leave now--"

"Jean! Don't say that! Aaaccckkk!"

Jean was struggling to keep herself from laughing as her husband continued to try to remove the irate cat from his head. Pete and Moria gave up and fled the room, barely able to hold back their shrieks of laughter.

"Remy, please stop harassing my husband." She vainly tried to keep her voice steady. "It's not that I don't want to come back to help you. It's because we can't leave right now. Remy, please listen to reason."

"Urgah! He's a *cat*! Besides, since when has he ever listened to reason?!"

Jean valiantly continued, pretending not to have heard her husband. "The fight with the N'gari totaled the Blackbirds, and Brian has the Midnight Runner scattered over half the hangar here. We had to take a commercial flight and there's simply no seats available back to the US until next week. It is the peak season for travelers. We--Scott? What are you doing?"

The last question was prompted by the sight of her husband leaning back in his seat while holding the cat with one hand and swinging a toy mouse in front of it with the other hand.

"Huh! ~pant~ At last! ~pant~ Finally--have him ~pant~--distracted. ~Whew~ Thank god for catnip."

The black cat was now totally focused on batting the toy mouse with its front paws.

"Scott!!"

"Would you prefer to see the love of your life scratched to bits?"

"Scott, get that away from him! And he *hasn't* scratched you! Remy wouldn't scratch us. If he had wanted to scratch you, you would already be bleeding worse than a stuck pig."

Scott obligingly pulled the toy mouse out of Remy's reach. "Look, are you sure you can't make it back earlier?"

"I'm sorry, Scott, no. ~ Throw that mouse away! ~ Are you sure Emma's not available?"

"She's taken Gen-X on a field trip, won't be back until next week."

"Nathan? ~ Scott, get that mouse out of Remy's sight! ~"

"I can't reach him, where ever *he* is-"

"Scott! Get that mouse-!"

"What?"

A small kinetic explosion broke the mouse's tail in two, and the cat squirmed free to catch the mouse before it hit the floor.

"Oh, shit! I forgot! Gambit! There's food in the infirmary! Gambit!!"

The cat streaked out the door before Scott could scramble to his feet.

"We'll talk later." Jean slapped her head with her hand.

"Thanks, hon. REMY!" Scott tore out of the room after the cat.

Jean hung up the connection and turned to face Ororo and Kitty, who had just entered the room. "Jean? What just happened? We passed Moria and Pete on the way here, and they were laughing too hard to be coherent."

"Remy, has cat problems again."

"Goddess! When we return, his claws had better be intact."

"Cat problems?"

"An accident of sorts transferred Remy's mind into his cat. We still haven't figured out what triggers the transfer. This is the thir--no the forth time it's happened? He still needs help to get his mind back in his body."

A broad grin touched Kitty's lips. "I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't laugh, and I really don't know the man. But from what you tell me, it's seems that being a cat is in character for him."

"I suppose we can't argue with that."

"What's with the claws?"

"On those previous occasions, Scott had professed a desire to have Remy de-clawed." Ororo winced at the memory. "Previously, I was there to stop him, but Remy is on his own this time."

"I'd worry less about his claws, and more about his sanity."

"What was that, Jean?"

"Scott forgot, and now Remy's got the catnip mouse. And by the sound of it, Gambit hasn't had his breakfast yet."

"Goddess! How could he forget?! Remy goes crazy with catnip! How could Scott give him--?"

"He didn't *give* Remy the catnip mouse." Jean waved a hand in exasperation. "Well--not intentionally. Remy exploded the tail and grabbed the mouse. Scott's after him."

"And how is *he* going to catch Remy?" Ororo rolled her eyes. "The last time this happened, you and Wolverine had to work in concert to corner him."

"He took after Remy. We'll just have to hope he doesn't let Remy run too wild." They both cringed at the memory.

"You two can't leave me hanging like this. What happened the last time?" Kitty shook Ororo's arm. "Come on, tell me. Tell me."

"Goddess, we made the connection of catnip to explicit crazed behavior that second time when he was trapped in his cat." Ororo caught the significant look from Jean.

"The first time you gave him catnip, all he did was eat your ferns. After that second time, Remy stayed away from catnip like it was the plague."

"Yyeeessss? So what did he do? What happens when he's like this? Does he tear around the house and knock over lamps?"

"Oh no, we are usually the ones who break things chasing him."

"For one, as Jean mentioned, he eats my ferns while under the influence of catnip. Of course Remy makes restitution by buying me new ferns, and helping me plant them again, but that really is the *least* of his troubles... "

"Oh goodness, yes. He goes completely feral on us, becomes ten times more playful and mischievous than normal..." Jean made a face at the memory. "He makes a general nuisance of himself."

"The important thing is to keep him fed and in the house. Otherwise, he'll be stalking birds, rats, squirrels... anything that's the usual prey of cats."

"He doesn't!"

"Remy's not wasteful. He eats what he kills." Jean stuck her tongue out at that thought.

Kitty looked a bit sick over that statement. "But how come you can't catch him?"

"Remy can be--extra crafty when he's in catnip euphoria. And since he's so small and fast, it's quite a challenge to catch him."

"Even with your powers?"

"His mind has always been difficult to hold. My telepathic efforts bounce off his psi shields. And he's too fast for me to catch him in a TK bubble, unless we corner him first." Jean explained with chagrin. "Tracking him is a bigger problem. Even with the resources of the X-Mansion and Cerebero's help, I can't locate him on the estate."

"We should have asked Sean or Forge to help us house sit." Ororo sighed. "Somehow... I should have guessed leaving those two alone would turn out to be a complete disaster."

"Will he ever forgive Scott?"

"Never mind Remy. Will Rogue let Scott live when she finds out about this?"

Scott towel dried the cat on the kitchen table. "I *am* sorry about this, Remy."

#Yeah, right. Y' been wantin' t' drown me f' ages.# The black cat grumped as he submitted to the toweling.

"That's not true. I was desperate! It was either the Supersoaker or my optic blasts, and you'd be hurting bad if I used my optic blasts."

#An' I *suppose* de dunking in de pool was also an accident? Do y' have any idea how awful chlorine tastes? I'll be licking dis stuff on my fur for de next week! Yuck!#

"Sorry. And I thought cats could swim! I did fish you out with a net."

Remy sneezed as Scott continued to rub him dry. "Are you sure you don't want the hair dryer?"

#Scottie, my cat hates de hairdryer. De mind may be human now, but most o' my perceptions are still de cat's.# Remy sneezed again, #I can't believe y' forgot about my reaction t' catnip.#

"I said, I'm *sorry*. The catnip mouse was your cat's favorite toy. You don't spend *that* much time as a cat for me to remember your problems with catnip."

#Okay, spill it. What did I do dis time?# The cat sighed in resignation.

"Er--Considering the damage to the mansion by the N'gari, you probably didn't make too big a dent in damages. It's also not too bad on the Storm front. She's only missing two ferns. But... I--er--found a pile of bird feathers and bones on the front porch. And I guess there was a rat's tail in the yard, but I couldn't be sure, and--"

#Ack! Never mind! I don' want t' know.#

"How *are* you feeling?" Scott ventured cautiously.

#Full. Y' don't need t' feed me t'night, thanks.# Remy sighed, as he shook his head after Scott stopped rubbing him down. #Next week?#

"Afraid so."

#Great.# Remy sneezed again.

"Are you catching a cold?"

#A hot water bottle would be nice.#

"A hot water-"

#Please?# The black cat looked up at him with bright sparkling eyes.

"Aaww, Gambit, don't look at me like that?" Scott cringed away from him.

#Please?#

"You've got no shame! Your cat does that to us often enou-"

The cat sneezed again, then started to shudder.

"Remy? Remy, are you all right?"

The lithe black cat started to cough and choke.

"Remy, what's wrong? What do I do?" Scott dropped the towel and gripped the edge of the table in panic. "Are you dying? Did you get a bone caught down your throat? Can I use the Heimlich maneuver on a cat? Whadda I do? Who's your vet? Does he make house calls?"

#I can handle dis.#

"Remy?! What's wrong?" Scott gripped him under the arms and lifted him in front of him.

#Don' pick me--#

Something wet and solid exploded out of the cat's mouth to land on Scott's shirt.

"Yuck! What is--?!"

#Scott, put me down befor--!# Remy sneezed right into Scott's shirt.

"Yyyyuuuuccckkkk!"

Scott looked from the cat, to the sopping wet mess on his shirt, and back again.

Remy twitched his ears. #Er--de first t'ing dat hit y' was a hair-ball, and--huh, huh--Sorry.#

Scott tucked the cat into the crook of his arm and put the kettle on the stove.

"Okay... I'll make you a hot water bottle. Then I'll go change my shirt." Scott gritted, "Next week, Monday. It's only another five days, Remy. We *will* survive this."

The cat just sniffled.