DISCLAIMER:
The characters in Merlin
(BBC) belong to Shine
Television and the BBC, etc., i.e., not me.
I'm just borrowing them for a
while to spin a tale
The
Path of Healing
By firewolf
March 2009
@>;-'-
“Gaius? Have you seen Merlin?”
The Court Physician looked up at his doorway where the annoyed prince
stood glaring into his abode. It was a rare occasion that the Prince’s
shadow spent any time away from his master since that fateful rescue.
However…
“I believe it was you who demanded he quit your sight for the rest of
the day, Sire?” He raised an enquiring eyebrow at Arthur, remembering
Merlin’s sad and distress filled countenance at his dismissal.
“But I—” Arthur protested looking quite shamefaced. “I—didn’t really
mean he should make himself—that is—I wasn’t supposed to not be able
to—find him…” The Prince trailed off a bit resentfully.
Gaius sighed as he beckoned the man to enter and pointed towards
Merlin’s door. “You can wait for him, I sent him out to replenish my
herb stock some time ago. I expect he will be back within the hour.” As
the physician had guessed, Arthur accepted his invitation to disappear
into Merlin’s room to await his manservant.
In the weeks and months which followed Arthur’s return and
convalescence after his ordeal, it had become a distressful observation
by Uther and Arthur both that Arthur’s confidence and security had
appeared to become dependent on Merlin’s proximity. Uther had spoken to
Gaius about it. If the King who was infrequently in direct contact with
his heir noticed, Uther felt that Arthur’s knights would be equally
observant. Arthur had realised this, and it had made him a difficult
man for Merlin to deal with in the last few weeks. But there was naught
a thing to be done about the situation.
Gaius had proudly observed the infinite patience Merlin showed his
Prince through the difficult period. The boy understood without being
told that it was still too soon after the attack. That since he was
instrumental in taking Arthur out of the dire situation, Arthur
strongly associated his manservant with safety and security. And that
until Arthur regained his own sense of self worth and confidence he
would remain dependant on Merlin.
After his talk with Gaius, Uther had understood the difficulty and
sensitivity of the situation, and he truly tried to be supportive.
However, all could painfully see that Arthur seldom looked his father
in the eye anymore. And the lower servants had begun to speak softly of
the Prince’s increasing demands for baths at least twice day again.
Merlin, once more, also became the only servant who could calmly deal
with Arthur’s at times extreme mood swings from relatively ‘normal’
relaxed nobility to sudden depression or fury.
Being allowed to retake responsibility of the Knight’s training had
helped somewhat to temper Arthur’s depression. However, his Knights
came to visit Gaius disproportionately more often than they ever did
before. None dared to complain about the Prince’s new frenzy in making
sure they were prepared and competent though. They understood that
their Prince was just expressing his concerns and fears for their
ability in his pace of training.
None would forget the wagon of bodies Sir Kay and his squad had
returned with. The men who handled the dead noticed that the bodies of
the younger men in Arthur’s party had shown heavier signs of mutilation
and abuse. No one had yet dared to ask the Prince if they had suffered
this before or after death.
There had been death and injury among the knights and guards in the
past. It was a part of life as a defender of Camelot. However, what was
done to the Prince and his party by the barbarians hit most much more
personally and with greater impact than any other brush with death. For
that reason, the Knights did not begrudge their Prince’s new
intensified training program.
Still, Gaius knew Arthur was not healing. He knew more than anyone else
that the boy needed to talk to someone about his ordeal. He understood
Merlin had already spoken with Uther. The King made Gaius aware of this
talk himself when he confronted the physician about his knowledge of
Merlin’s true nature.
If asked, Gaius would maintain that he thought his Liege had quite
cruelly kept him on the edge for way too long with his accusations of
betrayal and treason before he finally allowed Gaius to know he was
forgiven for keeping this secret. In shock, Gaius had spluttering
called Uther an utter prat for terrifying him so badly. But at its end,
the confrontation brought them a few cherished moments of memory of a
time long in the past.
“He means well.” Gaius remembered telling Uther cautiously after their
mirth had pattered down.
The King had shaken his head at him then. “I am not ungrateful for his
efforts. But seriously, Gaius? Merlin? Merlin? I’ve so often worried
for Arthur’s manservant being mentally afflicted and he—? Merlin?”
“He does have an unhealthy affection for the stocks.” Gaius had to
allow.
“Exactly! But what he did to that encampment…?” Uther’s eyes had looked
bewildered as he gazed at Gaius. “He also told me he killed Nimueh…”
Gaius had flushed at that statement. “I was unconscious then, but I was
there.”
Uther gave him a glare which Gaius correctly read as annoyance for his
not imparting the knowledge of her demise to his King. Gaius just
raised an eyebrow in challenge as if to ask how Uther might have
expected him to slip a bit of news like that to his Leige. The King
studied it for a moment before he accepted the ridiculousness of the
situation. After all an ‘Oh, and by the way, Nimueh’s dead’ was hardly
something which could be casually dropped into a conversation without a
lot of pointed and dangerous questions.
“So he’s—an entire encampment, Gaius, he took out an entire encampment.
Yet he—still seems perfectly content to be my son’s manservant.” Uther
slumped into Gaius’ chair with these words. “I—spoke to him last night,
and—I truly believe he was afraid of himself; afraid of his own power.”
“Sire—”
“I will not repeal the law, Gaius, I cannot.” Uther had looked up at
him with dead eyes. “But—as you said, he means well. And I am not
unaware of his devotion and loyalty to my son. I am not ungrateful for
the numerous times he has saved Arthur's or—mine too, I'm guessing?”
At Gaius' nod, Uther sighed in wonder. “To think… considering I'm the
cause of the ban on magic, and he would still—my life…
“I have told him, Gaius, to keep the magic secret, and I will accept
his continued presence in my court. Keep it secret, and I will not be
forced to act… So long as his devotion and loyalty to my son stays
intact, I will not act against him.”
Gaius hadn’t dared breath for a moment at his Liege’s words. He waited
expectantly since he knew Uther wasn’t finished yet.
“Merlin…” Uther huffed again. His tone was full of disbelief. “It is
just as well that he’s—such an idiot. If I think of it—the boy did
confess to me and the council that he was a sorcerer. Really, Gaius,
has the boy has no sense of self preservation?”
“I will speak to him, Sire.”
Uther sighed as he regarded him. “See that you do that. The boy needs a
minder. I truly cannot understand how he’s survived this long under my
laws.”
Gaius couldn’t help but share a wry smile with his King then. “He cares
far more for others than for himself.”
“Yes—yes, I can see that.”
It wasn’t until several hours after Uther left that Gaius realised they
hadn’t spoken about the talk between Merlin and the King. However, as
Merlin had since begun to lighten up again and was apparently
‘recovering’ from his traumatic experience, Gaius left it at that.
Unfortunately, it appeared that Arthur in sharp contrast had reached an
impasse in his own recovery. Gaius could see it in Merlin’s tired
countenance that the prince’s nightmares had returned with a vengeance.
He could see it too with the subtle hints from the injured knights that
the Prince’s troubled sleep were affecting the intensity of their
training days.
Morgana had started taking Arthur out on long walks where Merlin and
Gwen would set out a picnic and tried to encourage the Prince to relax
and nap under their watch. Alas, that did not appear to help Arthur
steal any greater rest than he was able to achieve at night.
Lost in his thoughts, Gaius almost missed hearing the soft cry coming
from Merlin’s room. The sound of Merlin’s name called out with heart
wrenching despair caught his attention again, making him hurry to the
room. He found the Prince sprawled across Merlin’s bed, trashing about,
obviously trapped in a nightmare and getting himself entangled in the
thin blankets.
“Sire? Arthur? Wake up!” Gaius shook the Prince’s arm urgently as he
knelt by his side. “Sire!”
Arthur woke with a start, Merlin’s name caught his throat. When he
turned to look at him, Gaius gently reminded him of where they were.
“You’re in Merlin’s room, Sire. He’s all right.” Gaius told the younger
man soothingly as he helped him to sit up on the small bed. “Merlin’s
only out picking herbs for me.”
“Gaius?”
“Yes, Sire?”
“Merlin’s—?”
“We are in Camelot, Sire. He is safe here.” And after his talk with
Uther, Gaius knew this to really be true now. Uther knew Merlin was
magic, but was closing an eye to the knowledge of his true nature. The
boy was not in any danger of being burnt at the stake or executed as
long as he was vigilant and careful with his powers.
Arthur shuddered as he looked down for a moment, seemingly unable to
meet Gaius’ eyes. Gaius sighed inwardly. Though he had avoided making
any demands upon his distressed Prince, he knew that Arthur needed
help. He needed to talk to someone regarding what had happened and not
silently torment himself over the experience alone.
“Would you like to talk about it?”
“Gaius…”
“It will help, you know? To talk sometimes…” Gaius told him softly as
he carefully took one of Arthur’s hands in his. “As a physician, I
follow a code of confidentiality with my patients, Sire.” Gaius took
the chair in Merlin’s room, keeping a comfortable and safe distance,
yet staying close.
Arthur stayed silent for a moment, obviously considering Gaius’ words
before he finally decided to speak. “I keep—remembering that time I
first woke up in the barbarian camp.”
Gaius stayed silent and encouraging. He barely breathed, afraid that
Arthur might change his mind and decide to remain silent; much like he
had tried to in his refusal to acknowledge his father’s expressed
concern, though they were all fully aware that it was all polite
fiction.
“Gaius. I—I—” Arthur looked up at him with eyes full of misery. “That
first time—they killed my knights and squires in front of me one—one by
one while—while the barbarian leader—while he rutted me on—on my own
surcoat.
“It hurt, Gaius. It hurt so bad, and I couldn't get away—they kept—they
butchered my men in front of me. I was their liege. I was supposed to
lead and protect them, and—their last sight was—was of despair. It was
of me—helpless and being—being—used for their pleasure.”
Gaius’ tightened his grip on Arthur’s hand in support. Hearing Arthur’s
words now… As much as he knew Arthur needed to finally voice and share
the tale of his terrible ordeal to begin to release its hold on his
life, Gaius was still torn with the desire not to hear and know of the
horror the young man had lived through.
When the bodies were returned, he had been there to help the families
of the knights and squires killed. Gaius had seen the bodies and so he
knew how each and every man and boy was killed. And now he knew that
his Prince—the poor boy had witnessed their death while being brutally
raped.
“Oh God, Gaius… It—didn’t even end with—with the last death.” Arthur
had well broken into tears now. “I was—he grabbed me and I—I—came,
Gaius. I spilled my seed over the barbarian’s hand even as he filled me
with his pleasure.”
Arthur shuddered again, looking down, unable to meet the physician’s
eyes. “Gaius—I don’t understand—I—I liked—”
“Rubbish!” Gaius refused to let the boy continue this grossly misplaced
guilt. “You were cruelly violated and your men were murdered before
you. You took no pleasure from it. I cannot believe you would even
claim to.”
“But Gaius? I—”
Gaius reached over and pinched Arthur on the arm. “Ow! Gaius? What—?”
The unexpected action startled Arthur from his misery.
“Was that painful?”
Arthur released Gaius’ hand to reach for the injured spot. “Of course
it bloody—”
“Could you have told yourself that it was asked for?” Gaius interrupted
him ruthlessly.
“What? I never asked to be pinched. Why—?”
“You never asked to be raped either.’ Gaius told him firmly. “The body
can easily betray a man no matter what he thinks he wants. You can no
more tell your body to ignore pain when you are physically harmed than
you can ignore pleasure when the body receives the right kind of
stimulation.”
Arthur froze at Gaius’ words, The Prince blinked at him in shock, his
mouth opening and closing in surprise and disbelief.
Gaius sighed as he pulled on Arthur’s arm, bidding him to follow him
back to his workshop. “Do you recall the class I gave you on human
anatomy?”
The unexpected question made Arthur frown in puzzlement as he dutifully
followed Gaius into his workshop. “Yes? I use that knowledge
frequently, especially when I train my knights on where to aim to
disable or kill an enemy.”
“And…” Gaius gave him a quirky smile. “Do you recall that little ‘talk’
we had when you were fourteen?”
“Gaius!” Arthur flushed bright red and his hands flew up immediately to
cover his eyes. “I thought we agreed never to mention it again?! You
and my father—I’ll have you know it was traumatising!”
Gaius chuckled as he reached for a roll of scrolls and started to
unroll them. The sound of rustling parchment made Arthur curious enough
to peek at him between his fingers. However, the physician had his
Prince blushing again when he extracted the illustration he was looking
for.
“Well, pay attention lad. Here’s another bit of knowledge I wish to
impart on you which I hadn’t spent much time on back then.”
“Gaius…”
“Sit.” Gaius pushed Arthur onto a seat and laid the drawing down on the
table before him. “There—is a gland in the male body which I never
talked to you about back then.” Gaius told him solemnly as he pointed
to the cross sectional diagram he normally used when speaking to his
much older patients who had difficulty with their urinary tract.
“It resides here.” He made sure Arthur’s eyes followed his finger on
the illustration. “And when stimulated in a correct way, it will cause
arousal no matter what the patient’s mind wants or desires.”
Gaius gave Arthur a significant look and a kind smile. “You cannot
believe that you took any pleasure in the suffering or death of those
you are responsible for, Arthur. No one—*no one* would ever believe
that of you.”
“I—I’ve been dreaming that Merlin was there—that he was killed while I—”
“You would take no pleasure from Merlin’s torture or death.” Gaius
interrupted him firmly. “Your body was tricked, Arthur. You did not
take pleasure from your violation and you did not welcome their touch.”
Arthur stared into Gaius’ confident eyes for a long while before he
looked down to study the illustration placed on the table in front of
him. To Gaius’ relief, he could feel the atmosphere of guilt and misery
slowly dissipating around the Prince, making him believe that he didn’t
need to say anymore. He hoped it was enough.
“Hello? Were you looking for me, Arthur?” Merlin appeared at the door
with a basket laden with herbs.
Arthur’s head shot up to stare at him then. The drawing he had been
studying quietly rolling up unnoticed while he came to his feet.
“Mer-lin, truly you are the worst manservant ever! When I said I wanted
to be left alone, I didn’t expect you to obey me so thoroughly that you
disappeared on me? You never listen to me any other time, why did you
do that now?”
The expression on Merlin’s face was priceless. The Prince had not so
much as breathed a note of their usual teasing and banter for months.
To have it return so abruptly…
“I’m sorry, m’Lord. Was clairvoyance supposed to be one of my skills
now?” Merlin responded with his ‘usual’ tone though rather cautiously.
“Skills? Do you really possess any?” Arthur smirked at him.
Merlin gave them a thoughtful look as he smiled mischievously. “Why of
course I have many excellent skills. The one foremost among them is
picking up after the castle prat.”
Arthur let out an unexpected bark of laughter before he scowled at his
disrespectful manservant. “The castle pra—Why you—?” He started to
stalk towards Merlin with intent.
“Bye, Gaius!” Merlin dropped the basket of herbs inside the workshop
before beating a hasty retreat.
“Come back here! Merlin! I’m sure you’re not supposed to run from your
Prince!”
“I’m not?”Merlin laughed back. “But you’re always complaining that I
have no sense of self preservation.”
“I’m going to catch you!”Arthur roared after him.
Gaius didn’t doubt that, especially since Merlin was heading in the
direction of the Prince’s rooms. Gaius rather thought the two young men
would end up in a pillow fight in Arthur’s chambers. He had faith in
Merlin’s ability to lighten the Prince’s mood, and his skill in
returning the smile to Arthur’s face more regularly now.
Evidence of this appeared during the feast later that week, when Merlin
solemnly wore his ceremonial clothes with the ridiculous hat without a
word of complaint. Gaius saw that Uther noticed the amused smirk Arthur
would give his manservant whenever the Prince’s eyes fell on him.
The two older men shared more than one relieved look during the feast.
While they knew Arthur’s journey of healing was far from over, this
moment gave them confidence that the Prince would eventually recover
from his ordeal. And they knew too that Merlin would ever be by his
Prince’s side to help protect him with the fullness of his ability.
~end~