Changing Perceptions

The kid's restless an' we could all see it. If he's not out there fightin', at the very least he has the lumps of clay ta play around with. But he still can't work the potter's wheel on his own. We don't think he'll have the strength ta keep a steady hand for the craft for another week. It's the least that Ah can do ta work the wheel for him an' help steady his hand. After gettin' over the initial discomfort of sittin' between mah legs an' havin' mah arms around him, he's settled down nicely. We've already made a couple of vases an' pots this way. The first lot he's been able ta produce in a long while.

Can't deny that we were all sick with worry over his disappearance a week ago. We noticed that ol' Scarface was absent from Nomad on that mission an' that his leader was missin' him too. Ah couldn't say who was more surprised, the kid that Scarface let him go, or us that Scarface didn't cut him up an' kill him. Still has the rest of us jittery though. Scarface's one scary bastard, we can't be sure what's got inta him an' if he's goin' ta develop a complex or an obsession over our lad. 

Ran is beautiful. Sure he's a guy an' ya'd generally describe men as handsome, but Ah've talked ta the rest of the gang before out of his earshot an' we've all agreed, Ran's genuinely beautiful. It's a cryin' shame ta the general female population that he doesn't notice how attractive he is ta 'em. Not that we see him as bein' interested in men either. But Ah suppose that's ta be expected, given what we now know about his past.

Until today, the Captain's probably the only one who's been this close ta him. No one else's been able ta get chummy with him yet, an' it's been that way since Cap' first brought him ta join our cheery little group almost a year back. Makes me wish Ah knew how he managed ta earn the kid's devotion. 'least Ah know they're not sleepin' together. Cap' doesn't swing that way. Besides, he's old enough ta be the kid's father. 

Can feel Cap's eyes drillin' inta mah back again, mah hide's pretty thick though. He's a family man of the old school. Doesn't approve of the gang's loose sexual appetites outside the unit or of our experimentation within. Doesn't say anythin' about it though, so long as it's consensual an' we're bein' responsible adults. He understands why we sometimes find relief with each other. No one outside the group can really appreciate the type of pressures or stress we face. It's not the same talkin' ta one of those young things we can pick up at a club or bar. One rule is that we don't fuck around when we're at the Art Center. Seems Koji an' Ching were messin' around in the storeroom one time when Cap' walked in on 'em. He was cool about it, threw 'em a condom an' growled that he'd better not catch 'em at it again. Ah can honestly say that Ah'm not 'messin' around' with Ran. Have the kid's rump up against mah little buddy down there, but he's behavin'.

"Lon? We're done with this one."

"Heh?" Ah blink as Ah look over his shoulder ta see that we're finished with the vase. "Sorry, mah mind was elsewhere. 'is easy ta forget an' jus' lose yerself in this, ain't it?"

"Hai." 

Short an' sweet, Ran's never been much for talkin'. When the Captain first brought him in, we thought he was stuck up. Didn't really join us or spoke ta anybody. Took us a while ta realize he was the quiet, shy type. Can't fault his dedication or skill though. One of the finest swordsmen we've ever had the pleasure ta work with in this world of guns an' artillery. He can trounce any one of us in unarmed combat, bar one. It'll be a cold day in July before anyone can match Tomiko in a hand-to-hand bout. Well, of course if Ching manages ta get her pregnant, that'll be another story. But the guys'll butcher the bastard who'll lay a hand on her when she's in that state. 

"Wanna do another one, or jus' fire these an' call it a day?" He's already tired out. Ah can feel it in his body. But he's also reluctant ta stop. More than any of us, he likes makin' stuff like this. Remember him mentionin' once that he finds his balance for all the death he brings with this act of creation. "Don't know about ya, Ran. But mah back is stiff. How about a break?"

"Hai. I-- I am tired."

Hallelujah, he's admitted ta bein' pooped out? Heh, the expert advice from the doctors is that the kid's over the concussion, but he still needs rest ta fully recover. Not ta mention the stress that detox put on his body when they cleaned out the drugs Scarface pumped inta him ta keep him docile. So it's jus' light 'duty' for a couple of weeks an' definitely no missions. He was none too happy about it, of course. Don't know why it still hasn't sunk inta that pretty little head of his that we're in this team for the maximum normality it gives ta our lives. 

Some would argue that we're not dedicated, but ya've got ta be fair. With the kind of jobs we draw, the burn out rate is high. If it weren't for this little island of normalcy, we'd be a mob of mad agents. At least with this set-up, we have a chance ta fit in like a civilian an' still pick up the mission thrill. Gives the oldsters an avenue ta withdraw from action gradually too. Gotta wonder if the Cap will ever retire with this kinda deal though. He's havin' way too much fun.

We bring the vases an' pots ta the back where the firin' kiln sits an' relax on the bench waitin' for 'em ta be ready. Can see that Ran really is tired, he's already out like a light against the wall. Ah take a chance ta pull him over an' let him rest his head on mah lap. Just cause, Ah'd say. Don't want him ta shift in his sleep an' risk havin' him fall over.

Ah can't help feelin' protective about him, we don't get many this young. We figure Ran's only eighteen. Never mind what the records say. 'Ran' is his elder brother's name. A deceased elder brother, if our casual investigations are right. Killed with his parents an' younger siblings durin' a terrorist bombin' at a train station. It seems he lied about his identity ta the recruitment officer an' the man let it slide 'cause he felt sorry for the kid. The army was the wrong place for him though. At least the officers recognized that enough ta try him out at an experimental unit. The way we figured it that was where he picked up the Katana. Later on, one of the missions he was on with that mob was where he picked up those tattoos.

Could have thrown us for a loop when we first became aware of them. Explained a lot about why the kid was so body shy. The Captain's probably the only one who knows the full story. It put a lot of other things in perspective for the rest of us. None of us ever questioned his dedication an' loyalty ta the team, but we weren't sure he was fittin' in with us before we knew about his past. 

'Protect an' Serve' that's our motto. With Ran, it's more like 'Protect an' Sacrifice'. Wasn't two months with us before he threw himself between the Captain an' a bullet. Cap' nearly had a coronary waitin' for word while he was on the operatin' table. It was a thoughtless thing ta do when there were safer alternatives ta save Cap's life. Cap' didn't yell at him for it, even after he got out of intensive care. But he did tell the kid quite firmly that he didn't want him ta throw his life away needlessly. That was when we discovered the tattoos an' the scars. Honestly, if the rabble that did it weren't already dead, the guys an' me would have gone out an' done the job for free. 

He's ashamed of the tattoos, no question about that. An' he still cuts himself, occasionally. We're all workin' on that with him. He's jus' too quiet an' not used ta sharin'. An' the way he takes on work... Hasn't skipped a mission since he joined us unless the Captain orders him ta stand down an' take a rest. Sometimes it makes me jealous that the Captain's the only one he'll listen ta. But he won't even share with Cap'. He'll only talk if Cap' forces the issue an' Cap doesn't like ta do that too often.

Well, speakin' of the devil... Cap' walked in on us promptin' me ta look down at Ran again. Poor kid is sound asleep.

"Why don't you take him home?"

Me? Guess Tomiko an' Ching must be busy elsewhere. Those two are the only ones Cap' is usually comfortable with ta handle the kid. We know he thinks that way cause they're the only respectable couple in the gang. He looks at the rest of us as a bunch of lechers. Not that we'd ever take advantage of the kid. Wonder what changed his mind about me. Ah incline mah head towards the kiln. "Be ready in another five minutes."

"I'll take care of it. Make sure he eats."

"Yes, paw."

The kid really is out of it. When Ah lift him inta mah arms, he snuggles right in. Cap' catches the expression on mah face an' scowls at me. Ah give him an annoyed look back. Ah've never taken unfair advantage of a person in mah life. An' temptin' as it may be, Ah don't aim ta start with Ran. Ah do have far better self-control than Ah usually let on.

"Lon--"

"Ah'll take care of the kid, Captain. Don't get yer shorts in a twist about it." Ah brush by him an' head for the elevator that leads up ta the apartment complex that's attached ta the Art Centre. 

It still makes me chuckle at ta the incongruity of our set up. Who'd ever guess that there'd be a covert military unit hold up in a place like an 'Art' Center... Well, Nomad maybe. At the very least, Scarface appeared ta have found out. But we've not received any intel about havin' our cover blown yet. 

Ah look down at Ran again as he lies cradled in mah arms. Hard ta imagine sleepin' beauty ta be the little wild cat that he is in a fight. He looks so innocent when he's asleep. When we first met Ran, we thought he was a virgin. Am embarrassed ta admit that it got ta be a sort of game among us ta see who'd get inta his pants first. After all, he is drop dead gorgeous. Hell, the game's still on, sort of. None of us want ta hurt the kid though. 

We have ta really watch our approach with him. Koji tried once an' warned the rest of us that if we got too aggressive, Ran'd close up, become completely passive an' blanked out on ya. We deduced that that was how he'd learned ta endure rape. Thinkin' about it, maybe that was part of the reason why Scarface didn't rape Ran. Tried ta apparently, but changed his mind. Captain got that much out of Ran an' the kid never lies ta him. 

Ah feel mah grip tighten around Ran slightly as Ah'm carryin' him towards the central kitchen area. After that little scare last week, Scarface does have all of us worried. Accordin' ta Ran, he brought him directly ta the Art Centre, so Scarface was aware that our unit was holdin' up here. But what is runnin' through the mind of that madman? Did he tell his leader that he knew where we were? Then there was also the thought that our Ran was in his hands for over 24 hours... 

If Ran is beauty, then that man is jus' as surely a beast. We've clashed with him since long before Ran joined us, an' nothing that we've seen of the man will convince us that he has a single redeemin' value in him. The few of us who've been unfortunate enough ta encounter him when disadvantaged can attest ta his cruelty an' love of carnage an' blood. That Ran was left relatively untouched... the kid must have struck a cord within him somehow. But what does it mean for Ran?

He wakes up as we enter the kitchen an' Ah can't help smilin' at the light blush of embarrassment that paints his cheeks.

"Sorry I fall asleep on you."

"Hey, Ah can't help it if Ah'm borin' company." He lets me brush his bangs from his eyes after Ah sit him at the dinin' table. "Don't push it. Ya still tired easily, Ran. Feel up ta eatin' somethin' light?"

"Not sandwiches or soup again?"

Heh, Tomiko must have been busy. Guess Ching was in charge of his meals for the last couple of days. 

"How about porridge with some meat, nori an' egg?" Ah hide mah grin ta see the interested gleam in his eyes. If he had little foxes ears, they'd be perked an' alert.

"Since when did you cook porridge?" Ah chuckle ta hear the justified suspicion in his voice. They all know me ta be the greasy spoon sort of cook. Rice is beyond me. Not ta mention everyone knows that Ah think nori is the toxic waste of the gods. So for cookin'... ya gotta love the cheats that ya can find in a Japanese convenience store that Ah'd never find in anything but the best of the American supermarkets.

"Ya never heard of instant food where ya jus' add hot water, kid?"

The day must have been more tirin' for Ran than he was willin' ta let on. Knowin' how much he likes Udon, Ah might have offered ta make him some, but his hands wouldn't have been steady enough ta handle chopsticks properly. A spoon is still manageable. He would have been totally embarrassed if Ah had ta spoon-feed him.

The day's been interestin' enough that Ah'm wonderin' about pushin' at the limits. "Bed or bath first, kid?" 

Ah can see that he's tempted. Ran hasn't had a bath since his discharge from the hospital an' we all know it must be drivin' him crazy. The kid's always been fastidiously clean an' sponge baths don't cut it. Not especially when he's been doin' it himself. As body shy as we know he is, will he trust me though?

"Did Tomiko replenish our bath salts?"

Yeah she did, she's the other nut who loves long baths as much as the kid. Rest of us are soap an' shower people. "Think Ah remembered seein' a new bottle of somethin'."

"Okay."

Turns out ta be a Goat's milk bubble bath or somethin' like that, the Kid's in heaven. Ah hold down mah chuckle as Ah turn towards the shower curtain separatin' us ta look at the outline of the figure behind it. He nearly balked when we entered the bathroom, but the promise of the bottle's contents egged him on. Ah'd guess Ran'll wait until he's a prune before he gets out of that tub.

Tomiko dropped me a knowin' wink when Ah passed her on the way ta the laundry room with his dirty clothes earlier. Ah'd have kissed her if Ah weren't concerned about gettin' tossed inta the wall. 'See, don't touch.' It's been zoo rules with her an' Ching since they decided ta hook up. Koji was disappointed when they made the announcement, but he's been supportive. He still complains that becomin' respectable completely ruined 'em, though. They've been takin' on like Den ma an' pa over the rest of us since they tied the knot. In Ran's case, it's been good for him. Tomiko knows how ta bribe him with little luxuries like bath salts an' freshly done laundry. She passed me a couple of towels for good measure for when he's finally done.

Hey, Ah was good about undressin' him. Didn't stare at the scars or tattoos or linger or do anythin' inappropriate. Handled him clinically. He still blushed as pretty as a schoolgirl, but Ah don't think Ah made him overly uncomfortable.

The butterfly's wings are blue. Damn, it's hard not ta think of those tattoos. The red roses on his back can be forgotten but the butterfly on his inner left thigh is a massive tease. Ah can feel mah face flush as Ah think of them. It makes mah blood boil ta think of how he had come ta acquire the tattoos. 

"Lon?" His quiet call immediately distracts me from mah heated thoughts.

"Ya a prune yet?" Ahh, Ah can feel that blush colourin' his cheeks at mah words.

"Hai." He draws the shower curtain aside ta peep at me.

"Tomiko gave me a couple of towels for ya." Ah hold out the towel in front of me an' close mah eyes ta give him some sense of privacy. He lets me wrap him in the towel ta dry him off.

In the end-- while Ah was helpin' him inta his pajamas-- Ah did stare. Ah couldn't stop mahself. The roses, the butterfly, the scars... they are mesmerisin'. They're so reflective of his beauty an' his inner pain... All Ah want ta do is kiss him an' make love ta him. But he's not ready for that. Like Koji said, he goes passive when ya get too close. Koji backed off completely after that one time. Ah felt Ran go submissive on me, but Ah didn't back off. In any case, Ah don't do anymore then settle on his futon beside him an' pull him against mah chest so that he's restin' on me. Ah can feel him waitin' though.

"Lon? It's okay if you want to, you know?"

His offer makes me want ta cringe away from him, but Ah stay fast. It's about time we did somethin' about his proximity issues. Show him that jus' because Ah'm holdin' him in mah arms it doesn't mean Ah want ta fuck him. Well-- okay, Ah do, but Ah don't want ta fuck him because he lets me. Ah want him ta want me too an' we're a long way from that state. "Ran, it's not okay. Ah don't want ta use ya."

"I'm not blind. I see you all play around... It's stress relief to you."

"How do ya feel about it?"

"Makes no difference to me."

"Ran, love..." Ah stroke his hair. "We don't fuck for fuck's sake. We do it because it brings us closer, gives us release... makes the bonds between us stronger."

"I-- don't understand how it does."

"We know that, Ran, that's why we won't fuck ya." Ah kiss him on the forehead an' leave it at that while Ah still hold him in an embrace. Ah feel him start ta relax against me an' Ah let mahself sigh in relief that he still recognizes a hug as an offer of comfort. 

Ah don't worry as much as Ah used ta that he doesn't want our gestures of reassurance. Between 'em, Cap' an' Koji have about drilled it inta his head that he can push us away an' say 'no' an' expect us ta listen ta him. We've been pretty good about readin' the signs an' Ah honestly know he's not givin' off any uncomfortable vibes right now. 

Ran surprises me in the next instance when Ah feel his arm snake around mah waist ta pull me tighter against him. We've seen the hints before, but Ah never really thought the kid would turn out ta be a snuggler. It's like an end ta a perfect day for me ta feel Ran's steady breath ghostin' against mah collarbone as he sleeps. 

It brings a grin ta mah face ta hear the faint noise at the door. Can't say that Ah'm surprised ta see the door open an' Cap' poke his nose in. Seein' how we've both still got our clothes on, Cap' isn't too unhappy. Ah can guess that Tomiko an' Ching are behind him though, an' ready ta bash his head in for bein' so nosy. Ol' Cap' gets yanked back out an' the door's closed firmly behind him, so Ah'd bet Den ma an' pa are doin' that right now.

Okay, Ah'll admit it now since Tomiko probably picked up the signs earlier an' Cap' too, if Ah think about why he let me take care of the kid today instead of sendin' for her or Ching. Ah have fallen in love with the kid. Ah've known that it isn't jus' lust for some time now. Used ta gossip with the gang 'bout how much the tattoos were a turn on, but they aren't ta me anymore. All Ah see is how ashamed he is about 'em, an' how much he vents over 'em by cuttin' up his body. If Ah could kill those bastards who did this ta him again ta make him stop hatin' himself Ah would, an' Ah know Ah'd have no want of volunteers ta help me. 

Ah don't know how long it'll take me ta work on Ran an' make him understand what love is. Ah don't even know if he'll accept the love of another man, or if he'd be more inclined towards lovin' a woman. Ching chose Tomiko over Koji, Ah don't know if Ah can be as strong as Koji ta accept somethin' like that happenin'. But what ever-- Ah know that love does mean doin' things in the interest of the other person an' not mah own. An' Ah love him. However long it takes, whether or not he returns mah love, Ah hope Ah'll eventually succeed in makin' him understand that he is loved unreservedly by at least one person.