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Kyoko Tsuchiya and Project
Weiß hold the copyright over all names, likeness and rights of
Weiß kreuz. All these characters and materials are used
without permission, and I'm
not profiting from this piece of fan fiction.
Author's
Disclaimer: This is a work of
fanfiction. The opinions and observations as expressed by the
characters in this piece of work, should not be construed as opinions
and observations shared by the
author.
Smoking Could
Kill You
By firewolf
June 2003
@>;-'-
"Smoking could kill you." I
can't
count the number of people who have said that to me, starting with
Asuka.
And you know what? At that time, I couldn't have cared less if it did.
It
started out as a casual thing, you see?
Something
to do with friends when you're at a bar and don't feel like breathing
someone
else's smoke, or something to do so that you're not out of place with
the
crowd. I'd light up. I never used to smoke more than a pack a week.
Than
Asuka had to die on me...
Yeah-it became a sort of death wish after
that;
Started smoking about two sometimes three packs a day. If it got me
closer
to the grave I was grateful. When you gonna learn, heh, Kudou? I just
kept
sucking on those cancer sticks, and drowning my sorrows in alcohol,
warm
bodies and smoke. If the smoking didn't kill me, than the alcohol would
probably
have pickled my liver, or I could pick up something noxious with the
one
night stands... Heh, the best-made plans of mice and men... I picked up
something
with a 'someone' who slept in my bed all right. I just never expected
it
to be a chance for love again.
Slender, pale, with a cherry red top and
equally
addictive; Hell, yeah was I addicted to the newest member of
Weiß.
Just being in his presence could fill me with smothering heat and give
me
heartburn worse than any combination of alcohol and smoke I know. Gods,
I
wanted Fujimiya Ran and it took me a long time to worm my way into his
affections.
Along the way, I gave up a few bad habits.
The
casual sex went out, of course. I didn't
want
to have any intimate meetings with his katana for cheating on him. The
regular
boozing went out too. I sure as hell wasn't going to waste any time
drunk
out of my skull or passed out when I could be conscious and spending
quality
time with my sweetie.
I
never stopped smoking though, and I felt bad
about
that. How ever much Ran wanted me to slow down, I just couldn't kick
the
habit. Oh, he made my life an agony with his refusals to kiss me or
snuggle
if I smelled of smoke. I don't believe I've ever brushed my teeth or
taken
quite that many showers in my life. And no matter how I've tried to
persuade
him that my bed was so much softer and more comfy, Ran would never
budge.
Said my apartment smelled too strongly of smoke and gets his sinuses
going.
So unless I want to spring for a room at a love motel we always end up
at
his place on his hard-as-rocks mattress. Worse-- I. Can. Not. Smoke.
In.
His. Apartment. That would get me thrown out post haste.
It
must have meant that I really loved him to
put
up with all that nonsense. And let me tell you, I'd invested far more
time
courting Fujimiya Ran than I'd spent on all the girls I've ever dated
in
the two years before I met him. He was a keeper and I was not about to
let
him slip out of my grip.
'When you gonna learn,' heh, Yotan? I wanted
him,
I had him and was so dang certain that we'd be together for as long as
we
both lived... 'Lived' is an operational word, isn't it? I thought we
had
it made when Kritiker offered to let Weiß retire and we all
jumped
at the chance to walk out and join the simple masses. After all, no
more
Weiß meant no more missions. No more missions meant no more risk
that
either one of us might be seriously maimed or killed. And by that time,
my
death wish was already smothered and forgotten under the love we had.
After
Weiß retired, it was totally inconceivable to me that we'd ever
part.
Yotan-- When yer gonna learn that some threats to life don't have to
take
a direct route?
I'm
supposed to be the bloody PI and I missed
all
the clues. Dumb ass... Never did think to wonder why Ran's family was
so
small, did I? Just him and his sister; no aunts or uncles, cousins,
grandparents;
A mighty small family. Oh no, why would *I* give much thought about
family?
After all, my father was a visiting Gaijin who didn't give a damn for
my
mother. And mom's family didn't want to have anything to do with the
half-breed.
Ol' Kenken didn't fare any better in the family department either;
What?
He was abandoned at the orphanage for being someone's illegitimate
offspring.
And let's not talk about Omi's messed up family.
Gods... I still remember cuddling with Ran one
evening
when he suddenly started talking about being the last Fujimiya. Gave me
a
few grey hairs, he did. Made me wonder if he was trying to ease me into
a
break up so he could marry some broad and bring more little Fujimiyas
into
the world.
Did
it surprise me to hear him talk so
disparagingly
about his genes? Cancer-prone, he told me. None of the relatives he
knew
died of old age. Of course he was worrying about what Eszet had done to
Aya-chan
and whether or not it was for better or worse, or if she might come
down
with some incurable disease later because of something the experiments
triggered.
And what did I say? Heh, something real 'sensitive' about him being
more
likely to develop a brain tumour from stress and worrying too much over
his
little sister. A work of art, I was. Had him sitting up and whacking me
with
a pillow for mocking him.
I
still remember his words to me then; telling
me
that he was more likely to die from lung cancer because of second hand
smoke.
I should have got a clue then, shouldn't I? I should have fucking woke
up
to smell the roses.
American statistics say that about two percent
of
lung cancer deaths are directly related to second hand smoke. Guess who
was
so lucky...
Gods, I couldn't believe I was so blind to
miss
seeing the telltale signs. They were all there right before my eyes.
The
persistent cough that wouldn't go away; the fever and extraordinary
long
recovery period from that cold he caught... Stubborn kitty refused to
see
a doctor about it. It was like he developed some sort of phobia for
hospitals
and clinics from the amount of time we've spent in them due to our
previous
jobs, and when he used to visit Aya-chan at the Magic Bus while she was
in
a coma.
I
only managed to bully him into setting an
appointment
with a clinic because I dragged in the big guns and got Omi on my side.
The
man could never refuse the Chibi. I suspect it's because he reminds him
too
much of Aya-chan, and if you've ever watched her you'd know she was the
true
master in twisting Ran-niichan around her little finger. Pity it was
too
late. Had the first heart-stopping scare the morning of the appointment
when
he woke up and suddenly started puking blood.
Fuck... The doctor confirmed that it was lung
cancer
and had him admitted immediately. I saw the accusation in everyone
else's
eyes. I'd given the love of my life lung cancer...
Two
percent. The odds were fucking two
percent...
and Ran was one of the lucky ones.
You
don't know how much I prayed and cried
over
what I had done. I'd spend hours by his side holding his hand or
rubbing
his back while he weathered the worse of the effects from
chemotherapy...
Ran was suffering so badly because of me. He never blamed me though.
But
that's 'cause he was always so dang possessive of his guilt. He kept
telling
me that it was his weak genes; the cancer-prone genes that decimated
his
family. He tried so hard to convince me that if it wasn't lung cancer,
it
would have been something else.
Fuck... Just when I thought we were all safe.
When
I was so sure we didn't have our lives on the line any more, the world
up
and slapped me across the face for my sins. When you gonna learn, heh,
Yotan?
No
shit I gave up smoking. Didn't care one bit
what
that would do to my mind or body to go cold turkey on the smokes. I
couldn't
light up again without thinking of Ran as he sat in bed clutching the
bedpan
to him like his long lost friend and hacked out his lungs. Couldn't
stop
thinking about how pale and grey he looked after the surgery to remove
one
diseased lung. How sick he was for so long with the follow up treatment
where
the doctors would bombard his body with poisons to kill the lingering
cancerous
cells while trying to save the remaining lung. I couldn't stop
thinking--
of how-- of how it was my fault...
Omi
and Ken? They were saints for putting up
with
me through all this. I spent all my energy looking after Ran. They
looked
out for me and made sure I didn't do anything stupid.
Oh,
I was a certified nutcase in those weeks
and
months following Ran's diagnosis. Small mercy that he was out of it a
good
deal of the time and wasn't conscious enough to worry about putting up
with
'Crazy Youji'. My nicotine withdrawal was not pretty. I'm sure I scared
our
two friends a time or two. I probably should have kicked the habit in
stages.
The withdrawal pains wouldn't have been as horrendous. But, I couldn't
bear
to even look at another cigarette again, much less smoke.
Every time I weakened I looked at the growing
bundle
of hair I got from Ran. The chemotherapy was of course making him shed
worse
than a cat in summer. It came out in clumps. No matter how gently I
combed
and washed his hair, it just kept dropping. So I collected it. I
started
weaving a little bracelet with his hair and keeping that near me for
those
days when he'd throw me out of his apartment to get some fresh air, or
to
generally take care of myself too.
In
spite of everything, he worried about me.
Yeah,
worried about me as if he weren't the one who was sick and who needed
help
just to stand long enough to take a piss. Ran worried about the dumb
ass
that got him sick... Yeah, okay, to be fair I worried Ken and Omi too
with
my nicotine withdrawal pains.
I
tried about everything. Nicotine patches,
gum,
acupuncture; I tried anything to stop the shakes and keep myself from
climbing
the walls. No matter how bad it got though, I refused to touch those
cancer
sticks again. Gods! I was such a mess. It was a good thing I wasn't
violent.
Omi
and Ken are still out with the jury on
whether
it was good or bad, but I became something of an obsessive, compulsive
neat
freak. Yeah, me. I needed something to do and with the cancer
treatment,
Ran's immunity was so low infection was always a worry. So I cleaned.
I
scrubbed his floors, did the laundry,
sterilised
his bathroom, and polished his kitchen counters. Hell, it wasn't just
Ran's
apartment. I did mine as well. And when that wasn't enough I started on
the
Koneko's backroom, then the store room, and the old mission room and--
Get
the picture?
I
became a worse neat-nut than Ran and Omi
combined.
I think I freaked out Ken when I suddenly asked him if I could clean
his
apartment too. He wouldn't let me come within three feet of his door,
and
that was saying something since he was Ran's neighbour.
At
the least, it amused Ran. He wasn't above
rubbing
my nose in the fact that I now noticed how all my stuff reeked of
smoke.
It was good that he could find something to laugh at. He worried about
everything.
About Aya-chan putting her studies on hold to come back from Paris to
spend
a semester with him. About his medical bills, which we weren't about to
let
him bear on his own; Omi, Ken and I would not allow him to refuse us
dipping
into our own stash of cash to take the burden off him. We had a fortune
amassed
from our jobs with Weiß, and unlike us, he had a dependant to
take
care of. Actually, I wanted to pay it all myself, after all-- it was my
second
hand smoke which laid him low. Omi and Ken vetoed my suggestion. Said
it
was a family's duty to share in the burden.
The
expenses still bugged Ran though,
especially
when it seemed like there would be no end of treatment and tests in
sight.
He got me very angry with him one afternoon when-- he started talking
about
updating his will... It got me yelling at him. Yeah I knew he was tired
of
all the tests. He was tired of being nauseous all the time. Of being
short-of-breath
all the time... Of feeling so god damned weak and needy and-- I
knew--
I knew he was scared...
I
made him promise me that he'd never give up.
That
if he dared to die on me, I'd go to the tallest building I could find
and
jump. He had to live, 'cause he was living for both of us.
We
got a reprieve... Ran survived the full
course
of chemotherapy. And-- his cancer moved into remission... I hoped to
God
that meant someone up there decided I'd finally learnt my lesson and
was
a good boy now.
"When you gonna learn?" Fifteen months ago,
God
damn it! When I spent a morning in the bathroom holding Ran's hair out
of
his face while he puked his guts out. I learned!
"Smoking could kill you." I can't count the
number
of people who've said that to me. I learned my lesson, and I've been
clean
since the morning when I found out that I almost killed my soul.
Ran's hair grew back eventually. And I
selfishly
made a pact with him that if he didn't cut it, I wouldn't revert to the
untidy
slob I used to be and continue being the neat-nut I became while I was
taking
care of him and kicking my addiction. You should have seen the
expression
on his face. I had to assure him that I wasn't talking about the
obsessive-compulsive,
cleaning demon that was buzzing around his apartment in the early days
of
his confinement. I was impressed that he was aware enough to notice
when
he was so out of it from the drugs then. I must have really been a
frightening
cleaning freak.
Of
course that meant I'd be stuck with
cleaning
duty almost all the time, but I didn't mind. Ran's hair eventually grew
long
enough for me to play with and I was content. And every time I washed,
brushed
or braided his hair, I'd remember the days when chemotherapy made him
lose
it. And I'd feel glad that he's healthy now.
The
hair he had lost during that time now
hangs
in a cord around my neck, carrying the cross he had given to me early
in
our relationship. When I'm away from Ran, it's my reminder of what I'd
nearly
lost.
There was a time when I didn't care if I lived
or
died. Now I do care, and I also care not to lose the one who had
brought
meaning to my life.
"Smoking could kill you." I know. It nearly
cost
me my love and my second lease of life. So I listened, and I learned.
The End
Thanks for reading.
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